As some psychologists tell us, it is not that happy couples do not have conflict, but that happy couples know how to handle and resolve conflict.
Below you will find some help for fighting fair. Below these you will find several websites which I used as reference for these points along with a process to resolve conflict.
1. Face your fear of confrontation
2. Keep your fight between the two of you.
- Don’t bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.
3. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible
- Don’t let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight.
- • If you are angry about something and don’t try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go.
- • If your spouse doesn’t want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
- • Avoiding or ignoring an issue your partner feels is important
- • Gunny sacking – saving up little hurts and hostilities then dumping them on your partner all at once
- • Don’t bring up an issue at time embarrassing to partner
- Don’t give them “the silent treatment"
4. State exactly what is bothering you
- Fighting fair means you know what the issue is.
- Stick to the subject at hand
- Fighting fair means you don’t bring up past history.
- Fighting fair means you don’t blame one another make accusations.
- Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences. “I” statements as a way to show you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
- Deal with partner’s behavior, not his/her personality.
- Attack the issue, not the person. Name-calling puts people in a position to respond angrily and defensively. This is usually used when a person feels he is losing. Name-calling breaks down communication and destroys trust in the relationship.
- Don’t argue about details. Avoid exchanges like, “You were 20 minutes late,” “No, I was only 13 minutes late.” (An easy way to distract from the problem.)
5. If they say you do, then it’s true
- Perception is reality. How is it that your partner sees things so differently from you?
- Do not invalidate perceptions or emotions
- Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
- Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.
6. Avoid generalizing
- Don’t use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another
- No one always or never does anything
- Don’t make comparisons to other people, stereotypes, or situations.
- Don’t involve other people’s opinions of the situation (e.g.: “John’s mother agrees with me.”) The only opinions which are relevant are those of the two attempting to communicate at the time.
- Don’t make threats (e.g., “Do this or else!”). Threats back people into a corner and they may choose the ultimatum in order to save face. You may find later you really do not want to carry out your threat.
7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination
- Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
- Belittling partner or issues
- Assuming partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven’t said anything
- Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
- No finger pointing or yelling
- No talk of Divorce. In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
- Don’t use the following: swearing, denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm, or taunting.
- Don’t belittling each other’s accomplishments. No matter how small or odd they may be.
8. Listen to learn
- Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
- Don’t interrupt during your fight.
- Cross-complaining; responding to partner’s initial complaint with one of your own
- Ignoring partner
- Try to deal with the other person’s perceptions of the situation as well as your own. Be aware of his/her feelings as well as your own. Check to see whether what you heard is really what the other person is trying to express, and ask him to let you know what she hears you saying.
- Take a breather by paraphrasing what you think you heard them saying. “I understand you want to tell me about your day but I need a few minutes to finish what I am doing.” This gives you time to think about your response.
- Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word “why.” That puts people on the defensive — and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.
- Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise, speculate, make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your partner means. Find out!
9. Ending an argument well
- Having physical safety valves for excess emotion (Jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.).
- Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
- Be ready to forgive.
- If the fight isn’t resolved right now, make an appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim solutions.
- If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression of positive feelings that you’ve worked together successfully.
- Don’t pretend to go along, or to agree when you really don’t
- Don’t withhold affections or breaking previous agreements
- Don’t continue with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution
10. Confront to heal, not to win
- Remember don’t fight to win; fight for your relationship
Sources:
Fighting the Fair Way
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/fighting.shtml
How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage – – Conflict Management in Marriage
http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm
How to Fight Fair in Marriage